*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.