I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise