ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
How I’d get arrested…
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.