annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
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Did a trash talking tree write this?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Important
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”