El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’