Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
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Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
just having fun
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
blocked.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.