Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Great acting.. 😂
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.