Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider