*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now