Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
You Might Also Like
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Don’t make me out nice you.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.