My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.