I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?