In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.