* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.