That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Rather alarming headline…
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions