Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.