*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.