SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
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What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*