[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.