“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep