*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
WHY would you be happy about this?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12