THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?