I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.