“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Is your wife single?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on