As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Best spoiler warning ever
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
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Expectations vs. Reality
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.