Cha-ching is my safe word
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
You learn something every day
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?