Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
When ur friends with white people
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I have questions??
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
PLOT TWIST:
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)