Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat