Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Why soy sad?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Bloody internet 😳
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast