Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
☠️☠️☠️
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!