Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
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who will stop them
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Story of my life…..
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.