They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Born to be mild.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself