Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
😂😂
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.