DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM