You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*seductively eats two tums*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.