IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”