Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
#winning
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.