Speak now or ever hold your peace
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Huge, if true.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
who will stop them
My circle of trust is a meatball
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.