Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I’m sorry…what?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*