HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
You Might Also Like
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: