New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
How I’d get arrested…
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Swedish for common sense.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
@funTweeters
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Isn’t
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.