Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/