Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
oh you wanna fight?!
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.