Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..