Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.