Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.