Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
2 years later
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.