The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
be careful
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.