Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
reviewed some movies recently
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Aight bet
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?