ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Muppet Screams
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*